My mind speaks in c0ntroversy.

Disney Fairy Tale Weddings by Alfred Angelo

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 23:36:11 -0500

beccajaynebrown:

http://www.disneybridal.com/

Wait till 2015.

"Not even a chainsaw can separate us. We’d be cut in half, but we’d still be in love."

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 22:09:42 -0500

“Not even a chainsaw can separate us. We’d be cut in half, but we’d still be in love.”

- Myself

So it goes.

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 23:58:24 -0500

I’m realizing how dependent I am.

And it sucks. My emotions, when only experienced by me, make me sick.

I cry when I shower because that’s the only time I think about what I’ve really done.

I sit there and think about how much of a fuck-up I really am.

My friends constantly call me stupid, and you know what? I probably am.

Gotta love the absence of my pre-frontal cortex.
Frankly, I don’t think judgement skills could save me.

I don’t sleep. I have insomnia, but I take pills. I don’t sleep because I subconciously want to punish myself. Mission accomplished: I’ve been sick since June.

I overthink everything. I say I too much. I’m a selfish bitch. I wish I could make people happier than they are but I fail to do that. All I’ve got is empathy. I can help people feel better sometimes, letting them know they’re not alone, yet I experience loneliness that can only be eased through the presence of a guy. And I hate it. I hate that I need that.

I miss all the people I don’t talk to anymore. And I tried my best to be nice to all the people that were teased when I was younger; the ones I made fun of to the people I wanted to fit in with, though, I never fit in anyway. Being dark and chubs never really worked in my favor.

“The bad stuff is easier to believe, you ever notice that?”

Why yes, Julia. I did. And so I’m to believe I’m dumb, ugly, obnoxious, loud, and intimidating.

And those adjectives get me through the day.

No wonder I’m so lonely.

"GASTON: “LeFou I’m afraid I’ve been thinking…” LEFOU: “A..."

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 23:46:12 -0500

“GASTON: “LeFou I’m afraid I’ve been thinking…”
LEFOU: “A dangerous pastime…”
GASTON: “I KNOW.””

- my mind. because that’s what I’m thinking right now.

beccajaynebrown: Seriously. No, seriously.

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 23:28:48 -0500

beccajaynebrown:

Seriously.

No, seriously.

Does he really care?

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 22:07:00 -0500

What exactly does he want?

^^THAT?

I’ve given him that.

This is what I always get.

And this is what I’ve always wanted.

But my wants and needs are always forgotten.
So I get a few false words and minimal pleasure, and it always ends like this—

I’m really stupid.

"Damnit Harlow. Parents—Peers—Partners. I’m already at the end."

Sun, 28 Nov 2010 23:45:00 -0500

“Damnit Harlow. Parents—Peers—Partners. I’m already at the end.”

Just for kicks.

Sun, 28 Nov 2010 23:44:13 -0500

Can people change? Is it really different this time?

I’d really love to know. I’m as impatient as ever. Impatient on whether this will ultimately end terribly like things always do. Anticipating an end always feels like when I drive back home. I know I’m always gonna make it there. And when I get there, my heart sinks because I’m in love with my independence too much. And when I make it to the inevitable end this time, my heart will sink because I was treated terribly once again. Or because I was treated well, and I won’t be anymore.

I’m too nice. I give people more chances way too easily. It’s hard for me to reject others who are so in raptures with me. But still, I complain endlessly about not being liked. Specifically not being liked by people I actually like.

And that’s why I’m so insanely scared now. This is the first [technically second] time I’ve experienced the mutual likeness with someone; same guy, but maybe it will be successful this time.

I already gave myself up. I already made it emotional. ~~I already am attached.~~

I’m not attached. I refuse to let it get to that point, at least right now.

Behavior is hard to decipher. If I’m going to be broken again, I’d like to know now.
I’m cursed. I’m not far enough along in my life to actually have someone want to really get involved with me.

Attachment is a bitch.

work it out. duh.

Sun, 21 Nov 2010 17:28:13 -0500

oblique crunch what upppp

http://sportsmedicine.about.com/od/abdominalcorestrength1/qt/oblique_crunch.htm

bicycle crunch….ouchies.

long arm crunch.

half curl. lengthy, eh?

crossover crunch. i’ve been doing this wrong.

superman…. …. … .. .

v-sit. yeahhh.

I aspire to this…ha. Bye bye stomach.

Sun, 21 Nov 2010 17:00:34 -0500

I aspire to this…ha.

Bye bye stomach.

He's overlooked.

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 22:01:03 -0500

Brown hair, brown eyes, smaller than most guys his age, but he’s so sweet.

That’s something you can’t just let go, right? Shouldn’t you hold onto him and pursue him by all means possible? You don’t come by a nice guy everyday. It’s kind of a rarity. And he’s genuine. Kind of like a guy I used to know. Maybe it’s good I won’t date him for some pointless months. Nobody likes a sore loser…or a bitter ex.

This kind boy is teaching me that sometimes there’s just shit in life you really can’t do anything about. You have to go with the flow and just hope that maybe something will change or something will turn out as you wanted it to. He doesn’t expect much out of life, and I envy that. I expect way too much and it bites me in the ass every day. Especially when it comes to dealing with guys my age. They’re all a bunch of morons running around with hormones bursting through their pants.

Patience is a waste of time, but I know he isn’t. And I know waiting won’t do anything for me. Over time he might get to know me more, and that can only do one of two things: keep us as friends or bring us closer. The latter I’d prefer, of course.

I wait. He’s worth it. And I deserve a good guy like him. I finally realized this. I’m not so sad about being without someone; moreso being without someone who’s worth my while, who can keep me interested, who doesn’t judge me, who doesn’t just want me for the physical favors. I’m trying my hardest not to downplay myself anymore. My self-esteem is screaming at me to just calm down and let me be. I am better than I give myself credit for.

We deserve each other. And I keep silence as much as I want to plea and scream for his affection. I’ll either succeed or find someone else to fixate over in the meantime.

For now I fixate on him. He has a beautiful name.

She must have let you down.

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 00:37:40 -0400

Late at night a girl stays up late to do the homework she’s put off since the day she broke down. She could already see herself in the future, flooded over her head with work she refused to do for some unknown reason.

5 minutes passed and Elin still wondered why she hadn’t resigned from listening to music. Her homework lay across her bed in a manner so very intimidating yet it’s end could be reached easily if she’d put a few minutes in. She was scared of something. Yet she could never determine what it was.

Elin made a promise to herself that she wouldn’t fall behind again after ten more minutes had flown over her head. What could she get done? Did she have the motivation? She could never answer herself. What would her mother think? She knew what her mother would think. One question answered. Her mother would think that her perfect angel was depressed again. No, not again, just worse than normal.

But what did she know?

New Orleans music is nothing short of amazing. When you need a...

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 03:22:54 -0400

New Orleans music is nothing short of amazing.

When you need a smile, you’ll find it in this music.

EV for Clark Kent!

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 02:18:40 -0400

I don’t think I’m asking for too much. A tall brown haired guy with brown eyes, who’s sensitive, funny, caring, charming, a guy who sometimes where’s glasses and can be strong but kind of awkward.

Okay, it feels like I’m describing Superman and Clark Kent. BUT, he had to be based off of somebody…right? Or are we all just searching around under the impression that Clark Kent does exist even though he’s nowhere to be found? I want a studier, a thinker, and someone who’s not afraid to take risks. Yea, I’m being pretty particular. Maybe I am asking for too much.

I’m a bit ADD. A little dysfunctional. I have a lot of clutter in my room and I like to look nice all the time. I think I have a shot at finding and charming the right guy. Well, someone I like. I really am finding that this not the case.

I’m finding out I’m overconfident.

Confidence boosts are confidence boosts, nothing so terrifying or bad about them until they create delusions that you can befriend people you can’t.

I learned recently that in the Bible, cannibalism was acceptable. That one could eat the bodies of one’s enemies in order to gain strength. The Mayans and other indigenous people did that as well. Am I supposed to eat my fellow students of elementary school who called me ugly, or the guys that made fun of me? Perhaps after doing so I’d be more attractive, maybe even irresistible. Ha, case in point, I’m delusional.

I’m young, I know what I want to do with my life: neurosurgeon anyone? And I know what I want out of life. A Clark Kent, little awkward/strong spawn, and excitement.

Statistics show my wants are very unlikely. Amanda, I have expectations, but we will always be realists.

I’m definitely asking for too much.

Let it go.

Fri, 18 Jun 2010 17:57:19 -0400

I need to let everything die.

I’m only hurting myself by thinking its possible for me to have what I had before.

But that person is dead. And I am as well.

I need to cry.

Then maybe I’ll be okay.

Just two things.

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 22:18:52 -0400

BP needs some nanobots.

[agent cody banks reference anyone?]

AND

I have a crapload of books I need to read. Starting now.

HOSPITAL by JULIE SALAMON

I’ll let you know how it is.

Screw pride. Save me.

Sun, 13 Jun 2010 23:54:00 -0400

Somehow I wish maybe you’ll read this. And somehow I wish maybe you won’t.

I made so many mistakes and there is nothing I can do to fix them. I have thought endlessly and tirelessly trying to convince myself that maybe this is the way that it was supposed to happen. That there’s a reason I’m suffering now because I made you suffer. Karma: I don’t believe in you. I believe in consequences. Consequently, I miss him. I would do anything to have him back. It’s not an option. I can’t force anything. I realize that only because I can’t force anything with someone that feels this way towards me—minus the history. Maybe, I thought, I should cut myself to feel better. Then I realized if I were to do so, I’d be a flipping coward. I need to deal with the pain, just like you did. My body won’t let me cry, as much as I want to. That hurts, too. There are numerous aspects as to what hurts me. I wonder if it was simple in your case; I broke your heart. God, saying that now, I was so ridiculously stupid. I can’t even believe myself. How could I have been so selfish? Looking back on the person I was, I start to rack up excuses: I wasn’t in my right state of mind; my mental health was slowly working its way down the drain; I wasn’t as mature or experienced; I thought I knew what I wanted; I was afraid of the physicality—and then I stop. I realize how dumb I’m being. There is no excuse. There will never be an excuse. I know what I thought, I know what I did, and I know why it was terrible of me to do now. Because you were once miserable, and now I am. Believe me or not, I was a different person. I suck. Plain and simple. Only because it took me so long to realize how much I love you. And I guess I’ll wait for you. And I hope and pray with all of my heart that you’ll want me again. I’m sure you’re angry. I’m sure somewhere you’re happy I’m miserable. And I understand that. I deserve it. And you deserved so much more from me. If we’re meant to be together again, then I hope we will. And if not, I have time and a knife on my side to ease the pain.

Just realize one thing: I love you so much it hurts.

Life isn't so exciting.

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 20:31:07 -0400

Anticipation is one of the worst feelings in human emotion. So we sit and enjoy the weather. We sit and enjoy our pets. We sit and enjoy the humming our fans make above us as we type on our computers in our offices. Monotony. Polyphonic. Everything in sync and everything sounding different yet united.

A car rolls by. One hears footsteps across an upstairs apartment. A door opens. A gunshot is heard. A body falls to the floor. The humming continues while one’s breath does not.

Was it time yet? One dares not move. But curiosity killed so many.

Swallowing, one’s ears pop. The computer fan is humming. The muscles relax with the polyphonic silence.

The lights go out across the street. Love making is heard on the floor above. A firetruck shrieks by. Nothing happens.

I wasn’t waiting for anything.

part 2- the accident

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 00:12:00 -0400

Joan ran to her son’s bed taking off her wiry glasses to wipe the many tears she hadn’t shed in the ER waiting room. To Joan and Mercury it was a miracle to see a smile on their sweet Calvin’s face. The scrapes and scratches and bruises and bits of glass removed from his body were visibly seen. Mercury refrained from collapsing right there and then in front of Calvin before she talked to him. She stood back as Joan sat by his bed, exchanging sweet words through a biological connection. She heard this much, “…Aunt Maria and Uncle Joe are being tested right now to see if they can give you a…a transplant.” Rather than seeing the life she had with Calvin flash before her eyes, Mercury saw her own life flash before her eyes, ending with a kiss between her and Calvin, always beginning with the day she saw his brown eyes in a totally new light, because the day she realized she loved him was the first day of her life.

“Mercury came to see you,” Joan motioned her towards the bed. Calvin smiled up at her, with his eyes half opened. To see him in such a nature as this was close to unbearable for Mercury, and she knew she would do anything to be in that hospital bed, rather than him. She smiled back at him as hard as she could as the tears ran down her face, into her mouth, the lasting taste of salt remaining on her tongue. She stared longingly at him, realizing her own shortcomings as a person that she could no longer call herself his.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he told her. It was the reassurance she needed that maybe everything in her life might turn out fairly. He reached out for her hand as if asking for it forever, and she gave it to him not wasting a valuable second of the time they had left together. Their hands clasped together, Mercury lost all control of herself and began to sob with such intensity that it was clear perhaps she might not breathe outside of that hospital room. Calvin would’ve cried too, had his body not been exhausted to the point of not being able to express his emotions comfortably. Mercury kissed his hand repeatedly wishing she hadn’t made so many mistakes with him. She gained control of the air in her lungs, enough to reach up and gently push her free hand through his dirty blonde hair. She wasn’t sure which was softer, his hand, his hair, or his heart. In any case she was aware of the presence of all three and wanted to remain in his presence forever.

Finally words ushered from her, slowly at first, but with emphasis of love in each syllable. “If there was any way I could give you my liver you know I would do it. I’m B+ last time I checked.” Joan sighed next to her, praying another person had given up their liver, by whatever unfortunate circumstance, in order for her son to keep alive. Mercury inhaled sharply, “I think Carrie is on her way now. I’m sorry she wasn’t the first person in here. She lives farther than me…of course you know that.” The name Carrie ripped apart her soul, as the person had ripped apart her heart because Carrie was Calvin’s, and Mercury belonged to no one. “I just want you to know I will be here for you. You’re going to live, I know it. This world needs you, I need you. Your mom needs you. C-Carrie needs you,” and her voice began to die and trail off. Calvin lifted Mercury’s hand to his lips and pressed them softly against the bottom of her palm. She watched as his heart rate increased ever so slightly. She felt so lightheaded. As if to correct her mistakes, she thought of one phrase to make everything right between Calvin and her. Two minutes had passed in silence as Joan and Mercury breathed slowly, watching their most cherished soul struggle to keep afloat in a time lingering with the worst possibilities.

And with all the strength she had left, Mercury breathed deep, sharing his air for the last time, whispering the only words she had for him, “I love you to death.” And suddenly, Mercury’s eyes closed, and she fell to the floor. Joan shrieked in shock and shouted for a nurse. A nurse ran into the room asking, “What’s wrong with him?” Joan shook her head vigorously motioning towards the fainted girl at her feet. A stretcher was brought in and she was rushed into surgery, her heart palpitations taking hold of her life and shaking it from its roots, forcing a cape of darkness across her eyes. Mercury, though unconscious, heard everything that happened to her. She heard the doctors screaming about her skyrocketing blood pressure and their requests for panels, charging, clear, a shock of electric for revival. Mercury at last heard the single worst sound of her life other than the message of Calvin’s misfortunes, a single flat line, signifying her expiration. It was the disappointment she had waited her whole existence to experience. Her last conscious thoughts were these. Mercury was to be separated from love forever, but that love would survive. Simply because her precious B+ liver would save his life. And the greatest grief there was for her, was to know she’d never see the smile on Calvin’s face when he’d be wheeled out of surgery—only to tell Carrie how glad he was to see her.

part 1- the accident

Wed, 09 Jun 2010 20:53:00 -0400

Mercury was in a deep sleep dreaming about the happy days she had with the only person she ever loved. There was this one day they tried cooking a dinner when they were alone, but were so in raptures with each other it took them more than an hour to make the food. She lusted for that smile he gave her when she left. She met some of his family one day. They loved Mercury, and all she left wishing for was to one day find herself smiling at them as she walked down the aisle of every girl’s dream.

She awoke suddenly in a cold sweat, a dream having turned into a nightmare. It seemed that her body had been overcome with a wave of anxiety, but her mind had yet to figure out why. Furiously, she sat up and watched the clock tick slowly. 3:54:13 AM was the time. Tick tock tick tock tick—the phone began to ring. Paralyzed in fear she knew something was horribly wrong. Who receives a call that early in the morning with good news? Ominous that ring was to her, more ominous was the gasp she heard from her mother, a floor below where she slept. More ominous still, the slow yet hurried steps Mercury heard as her mother grabbed her car keys and coat and set them on the table near their front door. There was only one worse sound after she heard her mother whisper from Mercury’s bedroom doorway, “Calvin was in an accident.”

Like a Polaroid camera, every moment was captured in her memory: the shortness of her breath as she flew down her stairs, the splinters in her skin as she tripped and crawled across her deck, and the acid rain that fell against her mother’s car as they drove to the hospital.

“The impact left him in need of a new liver,” Mercury heard the nurse tell Calvin’s mother, Joan. Mercury thought she was in control enough to hold back tears, to be in control for his mother, though, Joan was more faithful for his recovery than Mercury was. They embraced each other and Mercury let her emotion run down Joan’s shoulder in a messy river of lysozymes, mucus, oil, salt and water. Joan smiled at her and her mother, “Thank you for coming. They told me I can’t go in just yet. They’re waiting for him to wake up.” She quietly continued sobbing as she hugged Mercury’s mother. Another nurse came to Joan, “You may see him now.” Joan exchanged a glance with Mercury. She grabbed Mercury’s hand, “He’ll be happy you’re here, too.” Mercury looked back at her mother as if to ask if she would follow. Her mother smiled, “I’ll be right here.”